Roller Coaster Ride

Well, it's been one roller coaster ride with our adoption.  So much stuff has been happening and it has completely spiraled out of control!! We tried to save what we had going, but sadly in the end, we decided to walk away from this adoption.  My heart is heavy and I have cried A LOT, but in the end I just have to thank God that He is bringing us through this. I honestly don't know where I would be without standing on the hope that I have in God.

I also have to say HUGE THANK YOUS to both my husband and my parents for all the love and support that they have given.  I know Steve and I have both stood there as this was all unraveling like a bad sweater snag...thinking, how are we ever going to fix this and pick up the pieces to do this again.  God's plan is bigger than ours, He is the author and finisher of this plan...I still feel called to be a mom...I feel called to be the woman He wanted me to be...and this stuff that had happened I lean not on my own understanding but trust Him in all this.  I told Steve earlier that I felt like Job. I felt like all this stuff was given to me and then all of a sudden it was shattered before my eyes. 

After all was said and done and we decided what to do...I started to seeing things from a different light. After much (and I do mean MUCH) talk with my mom, things started to come into focus more and more. Even though we hit this snag...God will get us through. God is near us and He won't leave us or forsake us...even though in the midst of this storm, hurt, and pain, he is still there...even when He feels far away...He's right there. 

So with that said...I'm ok about this now...I'm starting to see a little more of the picture.  It still hurts to think about this...it still stings when I look at the nursery knowing now it'll be a little longer than we were thinking, maybe...but I know my God is still bigger than anything! He's still bigger than this situation...and bigger than all our problems!! He will turn what satan meant for harm and destruction for something good out of all of this.  

Dear God,
I thank you that you hear my hearts cry each and every day in regards to this whole situation. I thank you that you love us more than we could ever imagine. I thank you for covering us with your peace! I thank you that we can trust you and be able to lean on you in times like these. These are those moments that when I look back and only see one set of footprints because at this kind of moment in my life there was no way I could walk.  You are my God and you are much bigger than anything else I could ever imagine! I lament to you on a daily basis with my heart's cry...and even though it seems that you're not listening you truly are.  You are the God of more than enough...the alpha and the omega and I just thank you for that!!! 
Love,
Your hurting daughter at the moment

Dear little one,

Even though the little one that was on the way wasn't meant to be ours, you are still out there and you will find us! I pray for you daily and I think about you daily.  Even though we had to go through this valley to get where you are, we know that in the end you will all be worth it.  God is our provider and He will provide that path to you! We are so looking forward to meeting you soon and to be able to hear your cries and coos.  To hear you say mom and dad makes my heart smile beyond words. You are loved beyond measure and I look forward to the day of being able to see you. We love you more than words could ever express!!

Love, 
Mommy and Daddy